2 1/2 weeks

So who leaves someone after almost 10 years together, after they have loved you, really really loved you, wanted you, wanted to know you, wanted to be your friend, companion, accomplice, team, and future...  and they have given, worked hard, loved your (our) kids, fixed your credit, gave money to (and filed bankruptcy because of) your ex-wife, paid off your debts, tried to make a future....  and asked in return, once in a while, for you to pay attention, be affectionate, be kind, keep promises. 

How does this happen?  (and no, dad, I mean this figuratively.  Please do not tell me yet all the things I did wrong...  let me heal a bit first, thanks)

And why, when I asked what is wrong, what can I do, why you are unhappy, what you want, you just said, "you worry too much."  I did worry.  I worried this would happen.
Go figure. 

friday 27:  i have made it through the first two weeks, and here i am at a local bar, with a friend.  i feel like an alien from another planet, in new surroundings that are completely foreign.  i have been given instructions for behavior in bars (i can allow someone to buy me a drink but do not have to have a conversation with them-  doesn't that seem rude?  do i have to tell them i am drinking shirley temples?)

people are dancing, and speaking loudly and stumbling oddly (beer), the music is so loud it reverberates in my ears.  and this machine-  where you can pay to see how hard you can hit it... what a funny idea!  weird...  

my head is full of all the energies of so many different people, who are in various stages of mating rituals (playing coy, moving their bodies in certain ways, leaning in to pretend to be interested, tossing their hair, bumming smokes from strangers, making out in the parking lot, nearly having intercourse on the dance floor) it feels like everyone in the room is here to hook up with someone, anyone.  how odd.

i want to learn to dance.

friday 13:  there is a u-haul in my driveway, and the ending to a long, tumultuous relationship.  Part of it comes as a surprise, but mostly, no, because there hasn't been enough love in this home for a long time.  Here's to new adventures!